2 August - not really a good day for me since past 14years. Still missing you eventhough seldom check on you there. Sorry. Hope you're doing well there 😢😶
29 June 2016- another day to remember I guess. You dont get good result everyday esp for ppl like me, the struggler, the last-min person, the overthinker. Alhamdulillah
Yes I put a hold to the tear of joy for tear of I dunno, disappointment(?) because she will not be here for me with/for oath ceremeony, last dinner and convo. Yes went to find her after noticed she is not there when I asked to wait awhile as i want to see the result myself. i understand the feeling too, we been in it together before. Im reallly glad that you're fine now. Will coming back to see you soon.😊
Back to the title: Journey
Hurm. Its all started as challenge.
Boarding school (read as MRSM)- science is easy, maths, add maths is easy but language? Nahh not my thing! Somehow accountancy seem interesting, but balancing can be easy yet challenging.
Foundation (read as Asasi PAlam)- bio, chem again reading subjects, efforts needed! Physic, ahhh interesting and easy, thanks to crush (yes, have weird crush on physic tutor, is that they called? Hahaha)
I dont want an easy way to see life. I want challenge along the way. So i took the hardest way, way that my people said it wont be easy even after graduate. They tried, tried hard to stop me. But knowing me, stubborn.
I signed up for this 5years course MBBS for challenge myself. No other motive until some senior (orientation week, yup avoided the racist orientation but ends up kena teman roomate), she asked "Asal nak jadi doctor?"
In my head, laju2 macam2 jawapan pikir. Nak kasi typical answers ke? Nanti kena teruk bantai.. Yup i think a lot in that few secs. Ends up a very personal reason came up and all the sudden that reason become the pemangkin, dorongan everytime i really want to call it a quit. That reason is why i hold to this dream so hard , fall hard, cried hard, laughed hard.. Everything because of that reason. Thank you. I will try my hardest to achieve my goals to fullfil that reason InsyaAllah. And now my baby steps is over. Step 1 done- grad on time, just 5years! Next step 2: Ho, the undertaker, i dont understang why they called it that? Call it hamba kelas paling bawah, yes understand but undertaker? Nahh still a mystery.
In this 5 years. The journey is not easy at all. hard, cant said hardest since no other experience to compare. Haha but really, HARD. You find yourself always worrying, are you good enough? Clever enough? Or just that stupid, too dumb to understand the easy physiology of renal function or no enough brain cells to remember that easy anatomy of head to toes? Just god sake it's just a human! I dont know, that 5 years really makes me think im not that bright student yang do good enough at high school and asasi. Like im just imposter, being there is wrong! This is just the pre clinical years (Phase 1 and 2!)
At least that thoughts reduced a bit, things improved, better i think during clinical years (Phase 3A and 3B)... I worked hard, damn hard until i feel guilty if i go home and play. But the stress level- worst! Worse than in MRSM but still better because i still have friends, true friends around at least in uni compare to in MRSM (dont want talk about it, and never will!). So what? Go home, sleep, eat and play on weekend. Be a proper human- what my mum usually said, "Kat um jadilah hantu tak tdo, tak makan, konon study kuat sgt tu. And balik umh, makan puas2, tido and jadi manusia sebenar".
And its worth it. Every tears, sweats and blood (i guess maybe from those accidental needle prick kot? Hahaha ke darah patient? Pun bolehhh hahaha).
29 JUNE 2016- MEM1****** LULUS
Seeing that, I know deep inside its worth it. Means a world for me.Acknowledgment.
What i learned throughout this 5 years?
1. You dont work, you failed. So work hard. So hard like there is no tommorow. Because supplement (special sem for 3mt i always tell other ppl) sangat teruk, sangat sakit and kau taknak rasa. Kau tak rasa kau tak layak nak kata apa2. Jangan panggil kitaorg asabiah sbb kitaorg lain and we deserved the bong ( btw the bond is not there anymore, everyone just... Dispersed.. Dont let me start about friends till jannah kat bukit ampang tu sebab they will say, kita kawan selamanya tapi kalau kawan kann, kita tak rasa apa yg aku tengah rasa. Bukan aku je, few of us. Only few of us (number? 4 ke 3 je patut cakap? Haha so what, people move on. Thats life)
2. Knowledge is everything, anyone can give it and anywhere you can find it. Be proactive, ask questions even if it's silly but not too stupid please. I know i hate it. Listen when dr and profs teaching! Focus with segala kekuatan yg mampulahh.. Share the knowledge even though it's not much compare to the smart students, deans list. Jadi span, sedut ilmu org lain then kongsi ngn org lain juga.
3. First time is was a mistake. But second time is choice - quoted from a guy that just started kenal, blom rapat and it hurts badly,deeply when kena batang hidung sendiri. That fall, it was hardest, damn hard to stand back!
4. Friends come and go. True friends stayed and dont leave. When the time is hardest, people yg datang can be your true friends. That point they are. But after that, 1 year after that, 2 years after, i dont know. Please consider. People changes, you change too! And sometime those yang kau kenal dari first year dah bukan kawan dah punn bila dah masuk final years. Org kau baru kenal hati budi hujung2 tu lahhh yang boleh pakai silap hari bulan. Haha
5. Trust. I trust you. You trust me. I tell your my secrets, show my darkest side of me d you dont leave. You did the same, i dont leave too.. But if I bluntly break that trust, i lose you when you said it will be okay and its never be the same anymore. Im sorry if i did it, good intention and you seem cant to understand it. My mistake
6. Junior is not bad. Buddy helps. Esp barang buddy. Haha okay adik2 buddy pun helps a lot. Moral support bila kau about to breakdown. Foods- can be free or expensive, depends on time. Haha. Love you guys buddies!
Basically, i went through a life phase during these 5 years. I grew, matured and learning to be a better person from the person i was 5 years back. I wasn't the nicest person on the earth but now, still mean and nasty in every ways possible but a bit nicer. Have some friends which i dont really have much before if to compared to the old time. And knowledge wise, im still improving. I met people, learn new things, go places and experience everything. Live a life. Dont be hurmmm what the word, lubuk? Sebab kita hidup sekali. Kau pikir umur 21, 22 datang balik lps ko kawen, beranak ke lps ko jadi prof? Tak, kita teruskan hidup biarpun they said you wont have a life.
So sekarang isilah segala form, g interview tu, kursus 5 hari (?) dan be a good and safe doctor! InsyaAllah. Jaga hati. Niat kerana Allah. Things will never go wrong. Work hard and good things will come.
Nites. Sweet nitemares.
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