Dreamer

Salam and hi.

WARNING: this is just a dream.. Not a reality.. Maybe just a pinch of hope or dream?

Ting. Pintu lif buka.

Beberapa langkah, kaki berhenti di hadapan pintu merah.

Hanya apartment yang ada 3 bilik, 2 billik air, dapur, ruang makan dan ruang tamu.

Pintu dibuka. Aroma makanan sedang dimasak.

Televisyen terpasang, kipas laju berpusing. 

Dinding bercat merah, sofa hitam dan meja kopi.

Meja makan bulat dialas dengan lapik meja bercorak checker.

Sebatang bunga ros di atasnya.

Terus melangkah ke bilik tidur utama.

Katil bersaiz queen. Cadar hitam, selimut merah. Ala hotel. Langsir merah, bunga hitam di hujungnya.

Labcoat, tudung ditanggalkan, disangkutkan berhampiran cermin.

Meja solek penuh dengan brooch, bedak, produk kecantikan(?), deodorant dan perfume.

Perfume Dolce Gabbana hadiah pemberian emak yang jarang digunakan dan Polo Sport hadiah hari jadinya 3 bulan lepas.

Jam tangan diletakkan sebelah jam tangan hitam yang saiznya sedikit besar. Jam tangan couple.

Koleksi cincin? Masih banyak, hasil koleksi dari umur remaja.

Left Jari manis? Cincin emas yang simple, di bahagian dalam terdapat ukiran "YOURS - *put in the special date, lol ".

Mandi, tukar pakaian- hanya t-shirt hitam dan seluar palazzo ungu.

Rambut basah dibiarkan sendiri. Tidak perlukan hair dryer. At least bukan pada pukul 9.45pm.

Keluar bilik. Ke arah dapur. 

Meja makan kini dipenuhi dengan makanan (Western food ke malam ini?) dan set meja (sudu, garpu, pisau, dan gelas).

Seorang lelaki, hanya t-shirt dan kain pelikat. 

Tubuh badan tinggi. Bukan lah tinggi 190cm. Maybe 165 atau 170cm?

Kulit tak gelap. Tak terlalu putih. Just nice gituu..

Rambut hitam, pendek kemas. Okay tak kemas sgt, tak pakai minyak rambut. (Again, 9.45pm kot!)

Tangan sibuk mencuci periuk dan alatan dapur kotor.

Langkah menghampiri lelaki tersebut.

Nampak beberapa titisan peluh di lehernya.

Aku tersenyum riang.

Oh awal dia balik? Rajin masak malam ini?

Tangan automatik merangkul pinggang lelaki di hadapan.

Muka diletakkan di belakangnya.

Dia menoleh sedikit.

Tangan penuh baki sabun dicuci bersih.

"Welcome back!" Katanya dengan nada yang lembut, bibir terukir senyuman.

Yup. Senyuman itu. Dimple di pipi kanannya. Antara sebab hati ini cair 3 tahun lepas dan masih cair apabila melihatnya.

Forehead kiss.

"Apa khabar baby papa arini?" katanya sambil mengusap perutku yang sedang memboyot. 3 bulan lagi, rumah ini bakal dipenuhi dengan gelak tawa dan tangisan bayi.

Tersenyum bangga. Lelaki ini, aku punya. Bapa kepada anak kandungan ini.

"And... happy birthday, sayang!" ucap dia sambil senyum.

Another kiss on the cheek. And a romantic bear hug.

Gambar perkahwinan cantik menghiasi dinding ruang makan.

********

Again.. Ini hanya rekaan or at least A DREAM of mine.

Belum ada calon.

Belum ada THAT PERSON yang mampu mencairkan hati.

Hanyalah nukilan di petang yg sejuk, setelah abes presentation yg terlampau panjang dan kelas ganti utk isnin lepas..

Yang penting. Takde EOP..

Bye ANAESTHESIA POSTING.. Hi EM posting 🙈🙈😁😁😁😁

p/s: Mohon maaf ngn bahasa cheesy yg digunakan dia atas.. Aku taip pun sambil cringe... Geli ohhhh terlampau cheesyyyyy ptg ni.. 

Jom magrib.. Salam.

#20factsaboutme

Salam and hi.

Title. Hashtag yg agak ramai masih menggila... Aku xphm kenapa tapi aku tetiba kna tag juga.. Suruh buat kt ig.. Tpi no thanks.. -.- bukan ada org nak tahu pasai aku pun... So aku memenuhi kehendak pengge-tag kat blog... Blog ni yg xde org org baca...

p/s: xde mood and masa nk update blog mcm dulu.. Setiap bulan hapdate.. Iuolls hanya student yg sekejap busy, sekjap x.. Huhu

* nampak sewel.. Huhu final in less than 14days.... Banyak lagiiii.. t.T cool.. Cool! InsyaAllah boleh lulus 3rd year!! Doakan aku lulus. Amin!

So, nah amek kau #20factsaboutme

#throwback#lastdayinklang#new#people#lamanseni#lorongbelakang

1. Nama Saidatul Akmar.. Tapi jarang org tahu nama penuh.. Sebab apa? Orang cuma panggil aku Akmar, Ama (bukan semua layak panggil aku ngn nama ni), MC, AK etc. dah org kasi nickname, guna je lah..

2. Sgt suka warna merah, hitam.. Baju n seluar almost all warna hitam plus merah. 

BIG NO FOR PINK... -,- hate it.

3. Love cars and driving... Can manage klu nak borak psl kereta. And drive- my stress reliever (after sleeping and cleaning)... I can go until 140 - 160 km/j or sometimes 200km/j, depends kereta mana tgh drive.. Bila stress blh jadi schizopenic driver.. And i cursed bila ada pemandu sewel ahead -,-

4. I can hear my mind overthink... Almost all the time.. So i need my mp3 and headphone all the time. So dont kacau me when im with my headphone on. Dangerous time..

5. My threshold sgt rendah.. Can be easily happy, blushed (jarang), overstress (but most time mmg stress sbb study, tapi my body pemalas.. Need to change it fast), very hot tempered, senang rasa annoyed and can hate people within split seconds.

6. Over-attached to people.. I hardly open up to people.. But once dah open, i can be crazy and attached gila2.. Sampai org blh salah faham.. Igt ada crush bagai.. Errr tolong lahh~~~ and bila dah open, i trust them fullest.. Kalau dah kena tikam belakang, believe me i can make u suffocate with guilt and ignorance.

7. Friends- xramai.. Kebanyakan lelaki.. Less drama.. But still ada lady friends ( yg bukan jenis ckp belalkang of course.. Allergic ngn pompuan yg ber... Huh fikir sendiri lahhh). Bestfriend - blh kira ngn jari.. Err pakai sebelah tgn je.. Lol.. I dont make friends.. My principle: friends with benefits (bukan mcm org putih punya movie) - make friends if and only if ada benefit out of it.. Yes yes im selfish.. Dah lama tahu since senang kena tikam, kena pijak2 kepala

8. Xsuka senyum.. But i can smile to people i like... So people, mostly takut with me.. Garang.

9. Susah buat kawan and can easily lost contact.. Sbb i hate become the starter.. Kenapa aku yg kena start dulu? Kenapa bukan kau? Kenapa asyik aku je yg text and tunggu reply lamaaa gile?

10. I dont trust people.. Full stop.

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20........ 

No idea dah pasal dia sendiri.. Malas nak pikir.. Bukan penting.. 

So itu sahaja.. Bye.. Nak tdo jap then start study week pulun smpai maximum.. Must lulus third year ni! No more tears.. Just joy only.. Nak and mesti lulus.. Doakan aku!

Salam

Letter to my future self

Hi.

I guess How I Met Your Mother makes my mind went haywire yesterday.. Or the reject news from people around me? Or mock osce? Hahahahaha 

So whatever.. Ted's idea does get into my head and Barney, urghhh hot... Hahahaha

So...

Dear Future Missa Akmar,

Thank you for being able to become everything that you and I dreamt.. Pretty sure the end of the road is about come... Dont worry and just work hard.. Work smart and break a leg! InsyaAllah you can! 

Bye first real crush. Bye sis's crush.. HAHAHA

Thanks for your ignorance eventhough pretty sure i know that you know very well.. Thank you very much because not making this thingie become awkward... Thanks for letting me be your friend.. At least I think so.. and please let me be your wingman at least as long you still bachelor! Hahahahaha baru seronok nak bahan kau until kau kawen later! Hahaha

"Crush meant to be crushed.. Thats all.. Nothing romantic about it" - Anonymous 

Now its the time to let go.. Thank you and sorry for making you my crush.. You showed me all guys is not the same.. At least different from my perspective.. Different from my thinking.. You not even close to my dream guy; tall, white, jambu, muda setahun and mine. But you're different.. Thank you for being different.. Semua orang berbeza kan.. Thats make the world beautiful(?). Just one thing.. Jgn avoid aku or ignore text aku.. Tahu kan aku benci org x reply text aku.. Just be us..friends.. Kawan yg selalu aku blh susahkan and jadi manusia yg berjaya menipis wallet aku setiap kali keluar -.- not cool! Very NOT cool! Sila belanja aku! And kalau ada problem, blh cari aku.. Aku tak kan and never misunderstand! Friends forever kan? Maybe? Haha..

So, Future Akmar, jangan kecewa (HAHAHAHAHA tak kecewa mana pun.. At least bukan mcm org tuuuu!!) Lulus 3rd year.. Grad dlm 1thn setengah and be good doctor.. Always remember the root, and never lose hope! Maybe and mayybbeeee you find someone better and you will find your "and live happily ever after"... Fairy tale sgt -.-

Bye bye!!! Be happy and remains happy with your choice! :D 

Dah lah,, hormone oh hormone kenapa kau sgt unstable -.-"

Jom study mock osce and pelvic mass! Gambatte...

p/s: please tolong jangan baca this post.. Hahaha (finger crossed) mampus aku nanti kena bahan

Le husband forever!! <3

Ideal man.. Tetiba terasa sgt korea -.-"

Goodbye, Sunshine.. Hi, Moonlight ☀️🌙❤️❤️❤️

Duduk kat apartment O&G pj ni mampu aku keep watching Glee, study O&G and be allergic rhintis 😭😭😭

Penat

Salam and hi..

Penat? 

Mestilah penat.. Drive sana, drive sini.. Balik rumah, kunci xde.. Last sekali menapak kat Ampang Point..

Dari pukul 3pm sampai 8pm kat sana! Buat apa?

Mengisi masa lapang -.- 

rephrase- terpaksa jdi org gelangan(?) a.k.a homeless

Bahasa kurang ajar?

Jangan risau aku memang biadap.. Bahasa aku indah bila bersama org yang aku xkenal/x selesa..

Nak aku guna bahasa indah? Boleh! No problemo...

Its just you dont see me as me.. Some people can appreciate me being me.. Not fake AK..

Today, i learnt something new...

1. Everyday is worth every seconds.. One minute things looked dull... And next minute, things became better and out of blue, you'll be running here and there doing something for the sake of stranger.

Skrg baru faham maksud quote someone "We are trained to accept and treat strangers like our own family"

One minute, they just a stranger.. And next, they hoped you'll be there, beside them next time..

Tiring but worth a lot.

2. Re-live old hobby after few years (maybe since lepas abes sekolah) stopped doing it.

Grab a book.. Read for a while.. Find a quiet spot in the bookstore.. Sit comfortably and read till your heart content...

Looks up, people smiling at you.. Who cares senyuman menghanjing ke proud... Yang penting, i read half a novel to kill time.. And thats was pretty fun.. Nice book, nice environment and stress? Gone...

Siap ada brother join sekali membaca kat belakang :) niceee~~

3. Family always comes first..

Text your mum frequently.. Come back home early if possible.. Who knows the moment the door opens, an almost-2-years-old baby running to you to hug, kiss and hug again :')

4. That feeling when youre tired -,- ANNOYED!

Hurmm.. asshole? 

Mind the language. 

Mind the rudeness..

The tricks is not to mind- quotes from Half Bad, Sally Green (good book btw.. Love the way the story flow)

Just being myself. I have not intention to show my kindness and sopan santun in front people taht dont even bother to know my true self.. 

Kalau terasa, saya memohon maaf-in-advance.

Thanks for the presents ❤️

Bye.. Good nite and sweet nitemares

Butterfly in the stomach

Salam and hi.

Yes I'm stress up..

2 reports with no progression.. My fault entirely! Janji siapkan malam nie, kita balik umh, Akmar! Don't worry.

Buka laptop, bukak doc. Keep staring at it.. But nothing.. Nothing comes to mind.. 

So i guess i wasted few hours with watching a lot of movies, listening to same songs for hours.. Keep on checking the phone.. Facebooking, twittering.. Wasted!

So i hope this is my last stop.. Blog..

Wtv lah!

Butterfly in stomach = rama2 dlm perut

Tak mungkin. Impossible

Okay of course nervous.. 

Past weeks and days, i been nervous almost all the time.. 

Yup. I was nervous.. Deep inside! Outside, i look perfectly normal, calm.. Too calm i guess.

I visited a cancer patient.

I watched the same movie for a while instead of study.

Studied but it just not good enough.

Been to wedding and wonder that I wouldnt married forever, am i?

Weird dream- getting propose by whatsapp.. Which a bit romantic words and i almost reply YES but of course i woke up! So no reply!

EOP- less than 1% but it was damn scary! Nevertheless, PROF SIA and DR NG, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for every bitS of ilmu that you gave throughout this surgical posting. I will improve my lacks and try my best, doc!

OH- 3% but i didnt finished study.. So maaf Dr Marzuki and para lecturers lain!

And everything that happened between..

2014 seem like the number 3 in 2014 is the only changes happened! Still early to predict.. InsyaAllah things can get better! Positive! Be positive Akmar!!

And people changed.. Ada yg makin baik (maybe), makin teruk, dari pelbagai aspects.. Personality, looks, relationship or what-so-ever.

Dramas.

I think thats why (i heard before) life is a stage. And people are the actors/actresses. No doubt my life is a mess.. So i guess other people's life is messy too!

Messy or tangled? I dunno.. Sometimes i wish i didnt know anything.. So i wont judge. So i wont be prejudis.. So i dont have to hate.. 

Something are better leave unknown.. Ever heard the word 'darkest secret'? Yup everyone must have it one at least.. 

These 'butterflies' will come everytime:-

Phone rings- calls, notification from whatsapp, bbm, texts

Bad news.

Good news.

Things i shouldnt be hearing, things i shouldnt said.

Cursing.

Almost accident when someone else inside the car.

Love.

Crush.

Heart breaks.

HOPE.

Exam.

Tears.

Sometimes i think im strong enough.

But im not? Or i am actually?

I dunno.. Because i myself not good with my own emotion, feeling..

I can listen to others problems.

I can give my opinion.

But it is important? These opinion, these 'listen to problem'??

Nervous. I hate this feeling..

Hand tremor, shaking voice, mind blank.

Because this is a sign of weakness.

At least my weakness.

 I hate it. Very much...

And another feeling i hate- love

Yup.. Love.. When you love someone/something.. You become attached, obsessive... Then you started to hate, everything seem wronged.. After that, its gone.. Love become hate. Friend become foe. Beautiful become ugly. And the world seem very lonely.

I dont know the truth.. Since i never been in love (at least i think).. This is what i think. 

Time changed.

People changed.

Love changed.

Hate changed?

Nervous?

I dont know.. One thing i sure, everything does change! Changes can be good or bad.. Its all about choices that we made everyday.. So choose wisely.

Bye.. Happy hols  :)

Sky still blue.. Sun still shine brightly.. So hope is there!

Adios klang! For 1 week!

The end of 2013

Salam and hi!

Last friday of 2013! So what did you do today?

Me? 

1. Presented PUD, which ended up by prof kalai yg ckp segalanya.. Hahaha.. Verge of tears, verge of death.. Sme feeling ada lahhh... Hahaha..

2. Buat hutang lunch sebab xde duit dlm wallet and ATM seem too far for me.. Pemalas!

3. Blk umh.. Keep kissing both babies until dah bosan.. Repair kete.. Basuh kete... Susah jadi org dah berkeluarga! Katanyaaaaa.. -.-" perasan

4. Tulis blog mcm xde keje lain seperti sepatutnya buat homework yg dr Ng kasi -.- again pemalas!

That was my day... Dull as usual... After weeks/months of silly freaking damn dramas! Who knows some guys can create quite a scene with their big smarty brain? I said brain or ass... Yup I am insulting.. So what? It is my blog.. My space.. Sue me or face me if you dare.. Unless you're just another coward yg ada habit cakap belakang and gosip... 

Dah! Cukup emo!

Okay *tarik nafas, exhale... :)

Basically 2013 was just another hectic for me... Almost fell into dark holes in my worst nightmares but I climbed up and with all the suppport dari sme yg sayang, pernah declared kawan or kawan yg msh x tahu kwn ke x sebenarnya.. Thanks for all your supports and doa! Thanks Allah utk segala takdir yg Kau tetapkan utk diri ini..

Things got better.. I met Dr Ang (cardiologist I'm really love! Crush lecturer je.. Biasalah tu), Dr Rishi yg awesome.. All those consultants yg menarik esp Prof Philip ( the one prof yg talked about principles in life instead present cases) and Prof Sia, prof yg tunjuk surgery sgt menarik. But yet aku malas nak study -.-" now Dr Ng yg sgt suka segala products Apple and he kinda interesting! Suruh students search answers on the spot pulak tu! Mmg one of the kind lahh...

I been to concerts despite ada crowd phobia.. And i enjoyed it! Of course Big bang and G Dragon kot!! 

I met some people along the way.. I lost people along the way.. I lost my people.. 

And kakak yg sgt annoying dan menyakitkan hati balik Malaysia

Aku rasa tarikh lps 12/12 since last year ke 2years ago selalu things on the peak buat aku haywire -.- damn sgt! Kebetulan je kot...... Apa2 pun takdir kannn? Terima je lah *smirk

Of course my year will be complete by tears.. Yes crying.. Silly kan? Sebab kawan blh buat org nanges! Tahniah jdi org yg ke-2 and ke-3 lps org pertama buat aku nanges.. Tahniah berjaya runtuhkan ego and keyakinan yg aku dok bina dlm masa 2-3 tahun nie.. Kau (korg) buat aku terlupa sekejap ada bende aku igtkan blh simpan,protect forever.. But you crushed! Mcm cmpk gelas ke lantai.. Pastu korg pijak2... Yg best bila anda2 nie cuba cantum blk so things back to normal (at least one of them lah).. Nak tahu x bende pecah won't, more precise NEVER become its original shape again... 

Xpe aku still manusia.. Yg pnuh ngn kelemahan, bukan sempurna.. Penuh dgn alasan.. Aku terima all those crap excuses yg anda2 kasi.. I got my own shit to deal too.. So try to survive by yourself even without me being there to help.. Seriously my shit stufts can distrupt my rationale and my thoughts.. No time for other ppl who treat me like crap.. Good news, i won't throw you guys immediately... Bit by bit, time and distance will to do their stufts.. *evil smirks.

Dah lah.. Makin teruk emo nie.. In summmary, 2013 is a year that I learnt best and worst things can occur simultaneously, despite how hard work i do... So kne more hard work for better yield! Gambatte Saidatul Akmar! Chaiyok Missa Shukri.. Never give up! :')

In advanced, happy new year and always be happy, look on the brighter side instead hating yourself too much..you can die of depression.. Rate suicide makin tinggi sekarang.. Hahaha

So bye.

  

Random

Salam.. 

Ini first time nak tulis post mcm nie... Just random thoughts while thinking nothing except osce and medic.

Stress.. Biasalah budak medic.. Osce and eop.. Case summary.. InsyaAllah boleh buat.. Mesti lulus..

Tissue.

Semua buat cam tu.. Biar perlu, pakai then buang.. Kalau x, biarkan je mcm tu.

Itulah aku i guess...

Pernah tak terpikir utk bukak pintu time kereta tgh meluncur laju?

Pernah tak terbayang bila tgh drive keluar simpang, kereta yg dipandu bakal dilanggar ngn kereta yg x reti perlahan kenderaan di simpang/selekoh?

Buka buku... Tak blh fokus.. Tutup..

Buka blk dgn harapan sme ygg baca melekat di kotak minda dan hati agar jadi panduan dlm perjlanan carier yg masih jauh.

Exam itu sgt stress.. Learning just ilmu atau exam? I wonder myself.. Still wondering.. But deep inside i know the answer :) found it during the hectic time.

Friends? Sure itu kawan bukan lawan?

Alone better than beramai-ramai? Sure?

Panic attack.. Anxiety attack.. Crowd phobia.. Why just me? Not others?

Being different. Big size? More estrogen? More testosterone? Too caring? Goth? Emo?

Xlayak utk temui cinta. Xlayak kahwin?

Kenapa kapel, kawen tapi ends up sengsara, sedih?

Why happy? When sadness came after that?

Smile? Perlu ke?

Tears? Hurmm...

Expression of emotion

Suicide? It was in the news. RIP Alvien. N few HO yg suicide within this year. 

He's gone. Never been mine once or forever. Afterall it was expected.

Dia dah mengaku indirectly...

Just let it go.. Let it go.. And focus with present and future.

Takpe. Someday, akan jumpa lelaki yg pegang Al-Quran di public, tanpa segan baca time tunggu time buka puasa.. Lelaki yg g surau esp time subuh, maghrib.. Lelaki yg tak cuba pendam segala rasa dari aku and tak menjadikan aku last choice.. Always me as his first choice.. Always be there for me.. And a guy worth for my tears. 

(Okay dah semakin jiwang.. Dropping it now!)

Pernah tenung mata anak kecil?

Yes aku tenung tadi. I saw her hazel colour pupil, everything.. Everything was normal..

And i was calmness, curiosity (entah betul ke x eja) and my reflection.

Yes my reflection.. Why? Her eyes is very clear and pure.

I know exam sgt dekat tapi tgk Good Doctor..

Dulu xnak tgk sbb nnt addicted ngn Joo Won.. Tapi bila tahu cter dia pasal austisme n paeds surgery, aku tertarik tgk.. Terharu.. Menangis each episode.. Why? I saw something beautiful.. 

What makes a good doctor? Just to treat patient? To love them? Knowledges? Or good people?

Stigma? Austisme? Handicapped xblh  jadi doctor? Xblh ada family, kawan, love?  Not an excuse for be excluded by anybody in society. Different than me, so he's weird, bad, xpatut lahir kat dunia nie?

Family? Domestic violance? Cacat? Bukan salah bayi yg dilahirkan.. Bukan salah ibu yg melahirnya...

Illness? It is good or bad? 

Past? It is important for present and future?

Being doctor bukanlah utk jadi robot.. We have emotion, patient emotion.. We are human.. 

Just take few seconds and think..

Tgklah drama nie bagi sapa yg dah lost dlm journey medic nie.. Nice story as for me lahh.. Different people different opinion.

Marry him if you dare

Past and future.

Time machine.

Love and hate.

Choice.

Change the past for better future? Sure?

Cerita fantasy yg best setakat nie :)

Being alone for few days make me think byk benda.. 

Bukan sblom nie x pernah pikir.. Selalu pikir.. Cuma x berani nak expresskan..

Semua org ada different ways of expressing feeling.. And I by writing.. And cerita? Biarlah.. Benda lain blh lah kongsi ngn that person (u know urself)..

This? X kot.. Nnt aku yg kena masuk ward psychiatric.. -,-"

Aku blom gila.. Terpikir je..

This is my thought.. Apa yang selalu bermain di kotak fikiran taktala termenung, memandang keindahan ciptaan-Nya...

:) so jgn buat any assumption yg bukan2 bila baca post ini.. Ini luahan. Ini cara expresi aku.. 

No judgement. Tired of it.

Bye.. Have a nice day

Sunset- waktu paling I admire!