It's hard

Salam. How are you?

It's probably sounded chessy but I miss you.

Kadang2 ada hikmah kenapa kau terpilih. Maybe bukan salah kau. Takdir

Allah Maha Adil, Dia dah susun rancangan-Nya cantik khas utk kau.

Jangan keep salahkan diri sendiri. Jangan pencilkan diri. 

Yes tahu need your space.. Yes tahu recovery kita macam kisah dulu, it will takes weeks... Tapi tahu kau kuat.. Please be stronger this time

Aku ada kalau kau nak aku ada.

Satu hari tapi dah rindu.

Rindu xleh nak ketuk bilik kau mcm nak pecah pintu tu.. 

Rindu xde org tetiba ketuk bilik randomly but actually ada niat tersembunyi.. Haha 😞

Rindu xde tempat aku nak tetiba mengarut, ckp random topics.. 

Rindu xde org nak heret g mkn in the middle of the night.. Yup aku nak makan murni ngn kau sekarang, bising kau asyik pilih menu sama, as usual routine kita

It's hard, i know. Nope i dunno. But i can imagine the pain.

You cried and i cried too..

"Tak dapat nak grad sama" aku pun rasa bende sama

"Nanti dinner aku mesti bosan xde kau"

..... Just please be stronger, and .... Kau tahu aku ada utk kau. Please take note okay?

Things I can't tell directly to her. She's special. She is my person. I don't cried spontaneously because other people but i cried before her and hear, see her tears. Her fear, her worst nightmare was mine too.

So, please.. Aku x pandai pujuk org. Aku just mampu dengar and stand by you now

Aku tahu kau kuat. Kau blh! And aku harap if kau baca ni, please be more stronger. We akan selalu support kau, even though kau x nak! 

Fighting 💪🏻😢 InsyaAllah kau mampu, kau boleh

Dreamer Part 2

Just another way to divert the stress of Final MBBS in 2 weeks time. Still trying hard and will try harder in these remaining time. Hope for the best. Doakan kami semua lulus dgn cemerlang in one go sama2 by this June 2016. InsyaAllah. Amin

***

Dreamer Part 2- because it's just another dream. And dream just meant to be a dream.

Bau perfume-nya. Bau yang sudah terbiasa.

Sejauh mana dia pergi, dia tetap dekat. Entah. Mungkin sebab perfume pernah tertumpah dalam beg galas ini? Haha mungkin.

Bila berjauhan, mesti kena rajin call, mesej, video calls etc. To maintain the relationship, they said. 

Kami? Entah. Dua-dua sibuk. Mesej ada, tapi reply? Mungkin dapat reply setahun kemudian *nada sarcastic. Haha.

Call? Tak mungkin. Nanti boleh gaduh. Gaduh besar atau gaduh manja? Entah lah.

Tapi yang penting, trust. Percaya pada Dia. Percaya pada dia. Kalau he is the one, he will be come back. Dia akan datang semula tanpa melukakan hati masing- masing.

Tetapi hati ini masih berharap agar dia kembali berdiri di sisi. Menjadi penyokong sejati, pelindung di kala hari yang terasa kelam, gelap dan menjadi kawan atau sahabat ketika senang dan susah.

Seperti mana aku tetap berdiri sama ada di sisinya atau di belakang menyokong segala ideologi pelik, hadap segala kerenah dan gurauan kasarnya.

Berdiri di sampingnya sambil memegang erat tangannya dan menghadapi cabaran kehidupan bersama.

"Mama!" jerit anak kecik sambil menarik tangan ini. Tersenyum.

"Kenapa sayang?" sambil memdukung anak kecik yang comot bibirnya dengan chocolate. Tisu dicapai, bibirnya dibersihkan.

"Ahh.. Papa mana? Adik rindu... " kata anak yang masih pelat, masih berlatih untuk petah berkata.

Tersenyum sekali lagi. Pipi gebu dicium dengan penuh kasih sayang.

Tik tik. Bunyi alarm kereta dari luar pagar.

"Papa!" jerit anak kecil itu sambil meloloskan diri dari dakapan.

Berlari ke arah pintu.

Aku? Ikutkan sahaja setiap langkah anak kecil itu.

Pintu terbuka. Dia di situ. Tersenyum riang melihat anak itu berlari ke arahnya.

Dia memandang ke arah ku. Mata bertemu mata. Hati gembira. Senyum.

"Welcome back! Seronok outstation 2minggu kat sana?" sambil menyambut tangannya.

Sebelah tangan, pegang anak.

Sebelah lagi? Memegang erat tangan kasar dek jarang disapu lotion. Scrub dengan hand sanitizer and sabun scrub OT itu selalunya. Haha.

"Tak. Sebab sunyi sangat takde baby yang bising ni and xde mama dia" jawab sambil mencium pipi bayi kecil itu. 

Tangan masih erat memegang tangan ini.

Dulu rimas dengan segala skinship tetapi sekarang? He is the only exception. *pipi blushing. Haha.

Dia lah kawan. Dia lah hantu, kaki sakat. Dia lah driver, chef weekdays, tukang angkat barang groceries. And he's my person and losing him is like I'm losing myself. Complement each other.

***

0122 Sat 28th May 2016. 

Mengarut jijik nak mampus time  tgh mlm bila palpitations pikir final. InsyaAllah blh lulus sama2 dgn sme. Usaha, usaha, usaha and tawakal. InsyaAllah yakin dgn Allah. Jihad. Niat belajar krn Allah. Doakan ya💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻🎓🎓🎓

Dalam selfish, still usaha sama2. Two is better than one. The more the merrier. InsyaAllah efforts counts. Just bersangka baik. Don't assume. And be yourself, keep trying harder everyday. Push to the limit. We can do it💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻🎓🎓 InsyaAllah 

Dah lah. Mengarut plus luahan hati yg agaknya mmg tgh stress. Night. Salam

#meroyan

Yup #meroyan

Hi.

Its my fault and i admitted. Shouldn't sibuk dgn tepi kain orang lain. Now, you said it will be okay and I don't think so (overthinking is my habit after this insecurities and anxiety build up). 4 weeks and it's harsh. You don't text with person that you feel so awkward. I don't. Therefore decided to let go. Maybe it's a good choice, I don't know. Maybe. 

I don't want make you another lost piece in this puzzle. It's tiring when you keep losing every pieces of puzzle that you really love. Hated it when letting people be significant and suddenly you doubted their worth.

I builts a concerete barrier kalis segala emosi- trust, love, hate, etc. so? Ada problem kah? Ego? Also a part of the innate immunity 

Being honest is good. You hated my concept of friend but that's how I survived after a hell i created in the past. You don't know and I don't think you need to know. We are so different, I do understand.. Something that i posted in media social (esp this one also), maybe ditujukan khas untuk kau, or maybe just for general population. I can be random, loose association of thoughts kan? Tapi kenapa kau yang terasa lebih? Bukan semua tweet or post ig untuk kau? Mungkin aku tgh tujukan org lain juga.

Walawei half of post! Since talking is not for us (cakap pun mcm haram, nak taknak je), so this post khas utk meroyan yang pasti kau x baca sebab kau bukan baca pun! Kalau kau baca, mungkin.. Or maybe just don't read, things will be more awkward.. Bukan blh lari kalau benda lagi jadi lebih teruk. Haha (oh yeah haha tak sesuai during serious talk)

3months.. Nope 2 months to go. Afraid and nervous but hard to concentrated. Ya Allah, please help me.. Nak grad on time and be good and safe doctor with everyone else. Tahu suka sangat usaha last minute, permudahankanlah Ya Allah. Hilangkan malas, mengantuk dan izinkan fokus sepenuhnya on Final MBBS! Amin.. Nak lulus!! Kena usaha byk2! Taknak kecewa lagi!!

Kena make sure my purpose is fulfill everyday dayung2 g hospital. Kena pikir mbbs all the time. Kena ada confidence ngn diri sendiri and tambah ilmu. Truthfully I'm scared. InsyaAllah boleh lulus! Positive! 

Maybe patut sambung study ortho ni! chaiyok! You can do it!!

Happily walk away if it's good for me. And kalau dpt wat getaway to any beach, it would be nice. And do extereme sports- parasailing again ke jet skin or paragliding? Zipline, bungee macam best tapi mampu ke? Skydiving kena tunggu lps lulus final, then mmg nak buat skydiving at least once before i die.

Stop. Esok kelas! Enough #meroyan. Orang x peduli kau okay ke tidak. That is life. Bye

Bye fatso biatch 2015

Hi

After reading old posts, especially first post of 2015.. I guess I learnt a lot this year. And I achieved mostly what I want for 2015

From 1st post of 2015, what I want was:

1. Travel around the world with Amanda, especially to Japan

2. Work damn hard for MBBS until my mind and body too exhausted 

3. Let go of the bad memory 

4. Tinted car because history kena pecah

5. Loss weight to become skinny bitch

Therefore, i only achieved almost 4/5 i guess? 

1. I succesfully travel to Japan, specifically just to Tokyo with Amanda.. Such a wonderful and meaningful trip in 2015.. Learned a lot about myself and hers.. Of course i want keep her and travel further to japan again, Australia, Asia and see the world with her.

2. Letting go of bad memories.. Its hurt very much and almost.... Either way its feel so good.. Letting go 2 almost significant people, its like you accidentally cut yourself but actually it was intentionally.. And i let in 2 people and maybe another 1 soon  into my darkest cave.. Finding the right person when you know people outside your circle are not trustful is very hard.. But i hope we can remain us forevereven with silly, hurtful fights during these 6months.. Really sincerely I hope..

I don't think i can keep all the.... in my heart and only tell just 2 most significant people after my family.. Its hurt and i think it started to affect my functions.. So dear 4 significant people, i know most of you won't read this, but please stay and stand by me.. And i hope i can and able to stand strong by yourself, mentally and physically.. 

3. I think i worked hard but not enough to passed with flying colors all the eops.. But i tried hard to pass almost all the eop.. But there is a lot rooms for improvement! I shall make sure i study hard and work my ass off to graduate in one go, on time with you guys InsyaAllah! Please help me

This major of mine right now are killing me now.. Mentally.. So please just be there, stand by me and don't ask questions for random calls amd cries.. I really hope it can be settled ASAP..

4. I did lose weight around more than 10kg in 4-6months.. Some was with intentions and some was unintentional.. But now the weight is like stagnant, keep going +/- 1 kg everytime i stand on that weighing scale.. Maybe gained a bit kgs during the 1 week break? Hahaha.. So i shall continue the efforts and hopefully we can see the changes in my health in 2016 🙈🙈🙈🙈

What i did not achieved? Tinted car? Nope, it didn't happen

Malah i caught in accident when i was really obey the laws and life is hard.. I gues banyak dosa sgt aku ini! Ampunilah aku Ya Allah. Tabahkan hati ini Ya Allah.

Tayar kembang time road trip ✔️ terbang lagi duit lepas servis kereta yang baru keluar bengkel.. Understandable sebab memang missed date follow up pun.. Hahaha again mmg sungguh banyak dosa kau Akmar Shukri oit! Taubat lahh

Therefore dear 2016, i hope that i can be:

1. Be a better muslim and better person.. Make sure mak always happy, or at least cheer up her when mak is down... And make sure mak sihat and dpt pergi Haji in 2016 InsyaAllah 

Maybe hopefully LESS CARUTAN and x menyumbangkan byk duit kat tabung carutan idea Azreen. Let just hope the best kann? Haha

2. Be a good and safe doctor by July 2016 along with my colleagues.

3. Be healthy with ideal BMI

4. Less with the phone and connect to people by talking and more listening to them! And try be more positive hopefully, or maybe just keep the negativity? Hahahaha.. And be nice to people

5. Grab any opportunities to travel and see the world, culture and learn more about own self and others.. Travel with Amanda again? Maybe ajak ina travel too.. ❤️

Too many tears and happiness in 2015 and hopefully 2016 be a better year please.

Bye. Salam. Be happy

Long time no see

Salam 

Long time no see😘

Jangan risau, lepas ini makin susah and malas nak blog dah.. Bukan ada org baca pun! Hahaha blog pun hampar..

2015

Tahun baru, dah final year junior.. Esok nak masuk masuk posting pertama PCM.. Tapi otak kosong sebba 2bulan elective.. Penat bertungkus lumus siap semuanya sebelum jumaat. SELAMAT BERBALOI DUDUK DALAM GUA BERHARI2😴😴😴😴😝😝😝 Alamdulillah

Agaknya banyak sangat dosa... Itu yang kereta kena pecah.. Tak pe mesti ada hikmah-Nya.

Memang aku terus tinted kereta lah lepas nie.. Hehehe akhirnyaaaa~~~~~💃💃💃💃

Semua orang ada problem sendiri.. Konsep aku sennag.. Kalau boleh tolong, tolong lah.. Sebab apa? Hidup ini macam roda, ada time kita kat atas, sometime kita kat bawah.. Hahaha gitteeww malam ni berbahasa melayu! Hahahha

X sabar nak g picnic ngn Amanda next week😻😻😻 dia lah yg rajin contact, ajak hangout.. Bff more 10years.. Thanks Amandafor everything.. Your words, your helps, your weirdness and everything meant everything to me *bunyi sgt lesbo pulak! Hahhaha

Aku nak travel lagi... Singapore was my starter.. Been to Surabaya, Germany, Brussel, Belgium(?), London.. Even belum abes travel all places, x round the whole country.. Just a glimpse of it just enough for me😬 nanti travel lagi, better plan and see everything.. Wanna try to travel alone.. But for now, g tavel ngn Amanda/ family dulu🙈🙈🙈🙈 next destination yg pasti: Japan, Australia, Istanbul (of course utk hot air balloon and the view.. Mcm cantek je tgk dlm tv😍) BUT JAPAN IS A MUST! With Amanda.. Trip duo😍😍😘😘😘

Yang pasti starting isnin, aku kena start usaha hard and pass med school in one go! Yakin boleh! Be good and safe doctor! My oath! Ya Allah, kabulkan ya doa hambaMu ini.. Usaha + doa + tawakal = success! InsyaAllah

Tapi yang pastinya sekarang nak tidur! 2 sleepless nights can kill me anytime! Hahaha kill my MENTAL of course! Hahaha

Btw aku dah move.. Sempena 23 thn hidup ini, aku nak jd org bold expressing my opinion and make better choice.. Work as hard smpai otak, badan dah terlalu exhausted! Work hard, play hard! Haha InsyaAllah. So pray for me😹 

Tak nak gila bayang atau put hope too high in relationship thingie or heart talking stuft.. Not my style from the beginning.. Hahahaha taubat dahh~~~ but thanks for the memories of tepuk sebelah tgn punya love type! Hahaha LOSER LONER GILA! Hahahhahaahhaha now just for to med and everything else.. Love it will comes when the time is right.. And dia yg syg aku, bukan aku yg terhegeh2.. Hahhaha aku X PERNAH TERHEGEH2 OKAY! Just terlalu obvious je.. Haha tu yg asyik kena bahan!

So bye 2014 and hi 2015.. Hi my better self! Lets work hard for our dream; lulus med school in one go, be good, safe doctor and be happy with our stressful life😘 and lets lost a lot og kg and be slim and healthy skinny bitch for April! So ada 1 month okay! Hahahahha

XOXO Missa Shukri

Still loving this pic- i just very strong and beautiful person! Hahaha puji diri sendiri gila! Narsistik!

Dreamer

Salam and hi.

WARNING: this is just a dream.. Not a reality.. Maybe just a pinch of hope or dream?

Ting. Pintu lif buka.

Beberapa langkah, kaki berhenti di hadapan pintu merah.

Hanya apartment yang ada 3 bilik, 2 billik air, dapur, ruang makan dan ruang tamu.

Pintu dibuka. Aroma makanan sedang dimasak.

Televisyen terpasang, kipas laju berpusing. 

Dinding bercat merah, sofa hitam dan meja kopi.

Meja makan bulat dialas dengan lapik meja bercorak checker.

Sebatang bunga ros di atasnya.

Terus melangkah ke bilik tidur utama.

Katil bersaiz queen. Cadar hitam, selimut merah. Ala hotel. Langsir merah, bunga hitam di hujungnya.

Labcoat, tudung ditanggalkan, disangkutkan berhampiran cermin.

Meja solek penuh dengan brooch, bedak, produk kecantikan(?), deodorant dan perfume.

Perfume Dolce Gabbana hadiah pemberian emak yang jarang digunakan dan Polo Sport hadiah hari jadinya 3 bulan lepas.

Jam tangan diletakkan sebelah jam tangan hitam yang saiznya sedikit besar. Jam tangan couple.

Koleksi cincin? Masih banyak, hasil koleksi dari umur remaja.

Left Jari manis? Cincin emas yang simple, di bahagian dalam terdapat ukiran "YOURS - *put in the special date, lol ".

Mandi, tukar pakaian- hanya t-shirt hitam dan seluar palazzo ungu.

Rambut basah dibiarkan sendiri. Tidak perlukan hair dryer. At least bukan pada pukul 9.45pm.

Keluar bilik. Ke arah dapur. 

Meja makan kini dipenuhi dengan makanan (Western food ke malam ini?) dan set meja (sudu, garpu, pisau, dan gelas).

Seorang lelaki, hanya t-shirt dan kain pelikat. 

Tubuh badan tinggi. Bukan lah tinggi 190cm. Maybe 165 atau 170cm?

Kulit tak gelap. Tak terlalu putih. Just nice gituu..

Rambut hitam, pendek kemas. Okay tak kemas sgt, tak pakai minyak rambut. (Again, 9.45pm kot!)

Tangan sibuk mencuci periuk dan alatan dapur kotor.

Langkah menghampiri lelaki tersebut.

Nampak beberapa titisan peluh di lehernya.

Aku tersenyum riang.

Oh awal dia balik? Rajin masak malam ini?

Tangan automatik merangkul pinggang lelaki di hadapan.

Muka diletakkan di belakangnya.

Dia menoleh sedikit.

Tangan penuh baki sabun dicuci bersih.

"Welcome back!" Katanya dengan nada yang lembut, bibir terukir senyuman.

Yup. Senyuman itu. Dimple di pipi kanannya. Antara sebab hati ini cair 3 tahun lepas dan masih cair apabila melihatnya.

Forehead kiss.

"Apa khabar baby papa arini?" katanya sambil mengusap perutku yang sedang memboyot. 3 bulan lagi, rumah ini bakal dipenuhi dengan gelak tawa dan tangisan bayi.

Tersenyum bangga. Lelaki ini, aku punya. Bapa kepada anak kandungan ini.

"And... happy birthday, sayang!" ucap dia sambil senyum.

Another kiss on the cheek. And a romantic bear hug.

Gambar perkahwinan cantik menghiasi dinding ruang makan.

********

Again.. Ini hanya rekaan or at least A DREAM of mine.

Belum ada calon.

Belum ada THAT PERSON yang mampu mencairkan hati.

Hanyalah nukilan di petang yg sejuk, setelah abes presentation yg terlampau panjang dan kelas ganti utk isnin lepas..

Yang penting. Takde EOP..

Bye ANAESTHESIA POSTING.. Hi EM posting 🙈🙈😁😁😁😁

p/s: Mohon maaf ngn bahasa cheesy yg digunakan dia atas.. Aku taip pun sambil cringe... Geli ohhhh terlampau cheesyyyyy ptg ni.. 

Jom magrib.. Salam.

#20factsaboutme

Salam and hi.

Title. Hashtag yg agak ramai masih menggila... Aku xphm kenapa tapi aku tetiba kna tag juga.. Suruh buat kt ig.. Tpi no thanks.. -.- bukan ada org nak tahu pasai aku pun... So aku memenuhi kehendak pengge-tag kat blog... Blog ni yg xde org org baca...

p/s: xde mood and masa nk update blog mcm dulu.. Setiap bulan hapdate.. Iuolls hanya student yg sekejap busy, sekjap x.. Huhu

* nampak sewel.. Huhu final in less than 14days.... Banyak lagiiii.. t.T cool.. Cool! InsyaAllah boleh lulus 3rd year!! Doakan aku lulus. Amin!

So, nah amek kau #20factsaboutme

#throwback#lastdayinklang#new#people#lamanseni#lorongbelakang

1. Nama Saidatul Akmar.. Tapi jarang org tahu nama penuh.. Sebab apa? Orang cuma panggil aku Akmar, Ama (bukan semua layak panggil aku ngn nama ni), MC, AK etc. dah org kasi nickname, guna je lah..

2. Sgt suka warna merah, hitam.. Baju n seluar almost all warna hitam plus merah. 

BIG NO FOR PINK... -,- hate it.

3. Love cars and driving... Can manage klu nak borak psl kereta. And drive- my stress reliever (after sleeping and cleaning)... I can go until 140 - 160 km/j or sometimes 200km/j, depends kereta mana tgh drive.. Bila stress blh jadi schizopenic driver.. And i cursed bila ada pemandu sewel ahead -,-

4. I can hear my mind overthink... Almost all the time.. So i need my mp3 and headphone all the time. So dont kacau me when im with my headphone on. Dangerous time..

5. My threshold sgt rendah.. Can be easily happy, blushed (jarang), overstress (but most time mmg stress sbb study, tapi my body pemalas.. Need to change it fast), very hot tempered, senang rasa annoyed and can hate people within split seconds.

6. Over-attached to people.. I hardly open up to people.. But once dah open, i can be crazy and attached gila2.. Sampai org blh salah faham.. Igt ada crush bagai.. Errr tolong lahh~~~ and bila dah open, i trust them fullest.. Kalau dah kena tikam belakang, believe me i can make u suffocate with guilt and ignorance.

7. Friends- xramai.. Kebanyakan lelaki.. Less drama.. But still ada lady friends ( yg bukan jenis ckp belalkang of course.. Allergic ngn pompuan yg ber... Huh fikir sendiri lahhh). Bestfriend - blh kira ngn jari.. Err pakai sebelah tgn je.. Lol.. I dont make friends.. My principle: friends with benefits (bukan mcm org putih punya movie) - make friends if and only if ada benefit out of it.. Yes yes im selfish.. Dah lama tahu since senang kena tikam, kena pijak2 kepala

8. Xsuka senyum.. But i can smile to people i like... So people, mostly takut with me.. Garang.

9. Susah buat kawan and can easily lost contact.. Sbb i hate become the starter.. Kenapa aku yg kena start dulu? Kenapa bukan kau? Kenapa asyik aku je yg text and tunggu reply lamaaa gile?

10. I dont trust people.. Full stop.

11. 

12.

13. 

14.

15.

16.

17.

18. 

19. 

20........ 

No idea dah pasal dia sendiri.. Malas nak pikir.. Bukan penting.. 

So itu sahaja.. Bye.. Nak tdo jap then start study week pulun smpai maximum.. Must lulus third year ni! No more tears.. Just joy only.. Nak and mesti lulus.. Doakan aku!

Salam